Consiousness, Authenticity, and Forgiveness

I’ve been involved in a deep-down personal struggle recently.

Over the past two years, I learned a lot about my spiritual being. I became more conscious. I shed a lot of my old, negative beliefs and replaced them with thoughts that made me happier, less judgmental of others and myself, and more aware of my place in the world. I found this happy path by cobbling together concepts from several sources: the idea of presence from Eckhart Tolle, meditations from Osho, bits and bobs from the Judeo-Christian traditions, discussions with friends, yoga techniques, and reincarnation theories. This conglomeration probably makes no sense to anyone else, but it suited me.

This summer was a test of that personal growth.

I collaborated with some fantastic people on projects with great expectations, creative brilliance, long hours, major financial commitments, and shifting deadlines. It was fast-paced, challenging, and fun from June through October. I learned new things and pushed my boundaries. Many of my skills and talents were used to their maximum and that felt really powerful. But at the same time, I often felt out of my element and socially awkward as I tried to keep up with the lifestyle of my new colleagues. I was brought into the fold, but I didn’t really fit.

Life got stressful. I took on too much responsibility. Help was not available as everyone else was stretched to his or her limits, too. Again and again, I called upon my beliefs to help me be aware of what was happening and to get me through.

And I failed.

The projects came off quite well for the most part, but afterward a key collaborator severed ties to me due to my personal shortcomings and negative energy, turning tail on our shared adventures and cutting me off from a handful of our mutual friends and activities.

I’ve spent the past six weeks in a state of betrayal, anger, and hurt.

I cried for days. I lied to friends to save face. I dwelled on the past, blamed myself for everything, and sat around in a stupor trying to figure out what to do. I ate a lot of chocolate for breakfast. Of course the right thing to do lies in my fundamental beliefs: I must be present, forgiving, and compassionate. Most of all, I need to be authentic and true to myself.

Authenticity is a lot of what got me into this trouble. I should have known when I felt uncomfortable trying to fit in with people that I wasn’t being true to myself. Maybe I did realise on some level, but the thrill of being included in that glamorous world and the fruitfulness of our projects led me astray. When my authentic self finally reappeared it was unwelcome in that world.

From today forward, I begin anew.

I forgive myself and the person who hurt me. I recommit to presence and compassion. And I pledge to honor my authentic being. I love me!