MJ & I spent a lot of time last week talking about our extended family of friends in Japan. I think few flesh-and-blood families are as close as we are. Blood relations are irreplacable, important, and wonderful, but the family you build yourself is better in many ways.
I have friends I can count on in any predicament—different people for different situations—which I certainly did not have ten years ago in the US. I have one real sister, but enjoy sisterhood with half dozen terrific women in Tokyo. When I need jars opened, servers rejigged, or a shoulder to cry on, I turn to a handful of strong, insightful, and sympathetic men.
And my circle knows (I hope) that they can come to me for support whenever they like.
Is it the circumstance of living apart from our homeland that binds us together, or do people in their middle thirties all develop stronger networks of friends?
Posted by kuri at December 11, 2004 09:55 PMI have two little brothers and they live in the different prefecture. It has been more than 20 years sicne we moved here. I’m supported by many people who are not relations.— anyway until now my husband is the best friend. (he was my classmates at university).
Posted by: Mieko on December 12, 2004 08:18 AMHurray for surrogate families! I agree; the friends I have in Tokyo are some of the best friends I’ve ever had. But I didn’t even think to attribute it to age until you posed that last question.
Posted by: Jennifer on December 12, 2004 03:23 PMI think you are so right about this. I grew up in Okinawa and I am so extremely close with everyone who graduated within 5 years of me on both ends (1984). We have organized gatherings every 2-years some where different within the United States.
My husband grew up and went to school with the group of kids and he does not keep in touch with one single student. They didn’t even have a 20-year high school reunion.
The friends that I made in Okinawa are my closest friends. Still to this day.
Posted by: Wendy on December 12, 2004 04:20 PMI think being here and away from the regular support is part of it, and yeah, how that you mention it, the age thing is important too not just because we have had time to consolidate the networks and learn about who works well with us and who doesnt, but also to learn the value of the network.
Posted by: j-ster on December 13, 2004 11:36 AMSo sorry to hear you didn’t feel you had friends you could count on ten years ago. I’m glad Tokyo has worked out better for you.
Posted by: Liz on December 19, 2004 02:15 PMHope I am one of your friends you can rely on.
Even living in your native country, friends you make as a fully growup women are something special. May be it is simply the rule of the give and take. The more you have to give, the more you get from your friends.
It think it is a combination of things you’ve listed - age and location. I think as we get older we find the need for friends more as life throws more and more difficult challenges and successes our way. We naturally tend to gravitate towards people who we can relate to easily and find insight with or simply enjoy. In the case of living abroad, foreigners can easily spot each other and generally immediately have things to talk about and bring them together. After that, it’s a combination of effort and time to discover each other a bit. I’m now 40 (OMG!!) and although my ‘newer’ friends are really important, there are those I don’t have to explain my history to and between the two, it provides a great balance.
Posted by: Seth on December 24, 2004 07:58 AM